she said, "it must be cool to be able to do what you do."
i said that it came with its benefits and its pitfalls. that security is non-existent and i worry every single day but that the trade off was worth it. most of the time.
she said, "it must be difficult to constantly come up with new ideas."
i said that was one of the most difficult challenges. that no one wants to hear the same record over and over again. that despite how good 'take this to your grave' was, it would be shitty if dudes tried to rehash the same sound and stomp it into the ground like so many others do. that the people who rise above are the innovators. and innovators take a lot of shit for sticking their necks out. they are the risk-takers and boat-shakers. most of the time they crash and burn but at least ALL of the time they tried something new.
i started writing to learn more about myself. to help make sense of it all. along the way some of you supported me because there was something you found within my journey. whether you identified or whether i was just simple entertainment, i kept digging. but i cant keep writing the same record. i cant keep giving people what they expect. i have to remember that nervous feeling that drove me to write those first stories in that first book that was never supposed to be. those first stories were dark nights in a freezing apartment written to an audience of skeptical kids with anonymous fingers and livejournal accounts. those stories were written with serious apprehension... and like ive always said, the only way i know that i am writing well is when what im writing about causes me to feel uneasy, uncomfortable and hesitant to press that "post to askheychris" button.
so its time to get back to that.
a while ago i began keeping a secret journal to help me write through the issues i have with intimacy. its rough. its uncomfortable for even me to go back and read. but last night i made the decision that these stories will be the basis for my next book.
it will offend some of you. it will shock some of you. some of you may identify with it, but most of you probably wont. right now is a overwhelming time in my life. the way i have been conducting myself scares me. but what i am beginning to learn, through these stories, is that never in all of my life have i been so desperate to understand the seeds that were planted within me.
this book will ensure that no woman will ever touch me again.
this book is as vulnerable as it gets.
this book scares the fuck out of me.
and THAT is how i know i am doing my job well.
i said that it came with its benefits and its pitfalls. that security is non-existent and i worry every single day but that the trade off was worth it. most of the time.
she said, "it must be difficult to constantly come up with new ideas."
i said that was one of the most difficult challenges. that no one wants to hear the same record over and over again. that despite how good 'take this to your grave' was, it would be shitty if dudes tried to rehash the same sound and stomp it into the ground like so many others do. that the people who rise above are the innovators. and innovators take a lot of shit for sticking their necks out. they are the risk-takers and boat-shakers. most of the time they crash and burn but at least ALL of the time they tried something new.
i started writing to learn more about myself. to help make sense of it all. along the way some of you supported me because there was something you found within my journey. whether you identified or whether i was just simple entertainment, i kept digging. but i cant keep writing the same record. i cant keep giving people what they expect. i have to remember that nervous feeling that drove me to write those first stories in that first book that was never supposed to be. those first stories were dark nights in a freezing apartment written to an audience of skeptical kids with anonymous fingers and livejournal accounts. those stories were written with serious apprehension... and like ive always said, the only way i know that i am writing well is when what im writing about causes me to feel uneasy, uncomfortable and hesitant to press that "post to askheychris" button.
so its time to get back to that.
a while ago i began keeping a secret journal to help me write through the issues i have with intimacy. its rough. its uncomfortable for even me to go back and read. but last night i made the decision that these stories will be the basis for my next book.
it will offend some of you. it will shock some of you. some of you may identify with it, but most of you probably wont. right now is a overwhelming time in my life. the way i have been conducting myself scares me. but what i am beginning to learn, through these stories, is that never in all of my life have i been so desperate to understand the seeds that were planted within me.
this book will ensure that no woman will ever touch me again.
this book is as vulnerable as it gets.
this book scares the fuck out of me.
and THAT is how i know i am doing my job well.
ive never been this out of control.
i used her. she didnt even know it was coming. she didnt even tell me her real name but she sat across from me and asked me where it came from.
"excuse me?"
"where did it come from?" she said again.
her response wasnt typical. usually when asked about my past i glaze it over with vague minimal one sentence answers because one truthful answer opens up ten more questions and then the night turns into 'chris' spoken word night'... only there are no books for sale.
"no, i wrote that to purposely be unattractive to a certain type of person."
"right. and i asked here does that come from."
i am familiar with rooms of people scrutinizing me. my past. my adventures. some look to me for insight and some for entertainment and i look to them as an audience of people willing to help filter the pain and regret. but this woman, didnt want the entertainment, she wanted the real deal. so you know what? i gave it to her.
i sat in her drawing room and let go. one thing lead to the next and to the next. not like there was a table of books being sold in the back of the room but like she was a dumping ground for the few secrets i still keep and would never dare to let anyone know or hear. a freedom we all wish for, a confessional with an evaporating priest who offers no penance. i babbled and didnt think of enunciation or continuity or transitions or context. i didnt look at her as an audience or as a therapist or as anyone who even cared. she was a stuffed animal in a dark bedroom at 4am that you cry into screaming, "only you understand." she was the cat that you whisper, "you never left me." she was anonymous and secret and wouldnt tell a soul because no one would even care. there was no six degrees of anything and she didnt even know my last name or what i did to put food on my table but at this moment i held back the tears because i had ever been given such an open platform to let go without fear of offending, hypocrisy or showing the dark cracks in my soul. i let her have it. i assaulted her with words that were only realizations as soon they left my mouth. i scared myself.
"you're nervous right now."
"no, i mean its like im trying to take all of these feelings and make them into coherent sentences but everything is coming too fast."
"you're nervous."
"i am nervous."
but she listened. i shifted my weigh and said, "fuck, ive got to stop."
she grabbed my arm and said, "no, sit."
"i have to go," as i looked at my phone.
but she waited and asked the right questions. it was obvious that i was uncomfortable. and like good will hunting her eyes kept saying, "its not your fault. its not your fault. its not your fault."
i remember very little of that night. but i do remember being shaken by a stranger in ways that no one else ever has or i have ever allowed. right place, right time, wrong dude.
and maybe i did use her, but maybe she was looking to be used.
"excuse me?"
"where did it come from?" she said again.
her response wasnt typical. usually when asked about my past i glaze it over with vague minimal one sentence answers because one truthful answer opens up ten more questions and then the night turns into 'chris' spoken word night'... only there are no books for sale.
"no, i wrote that to purposely be unattractive to a certain type of person."
"right. and i asked here does that come from."
i am familiar with rooms of people scrutinizing me. my past. my adventures. some look to me for insight and some for entertainment and i look to them as an audience of people willing to help filter the pain and regret. but this woman, didnt want the entertainment, she wanted the real deal. so you know what? i gave it to her.
i sat in her drawing room and let go. one thing lead to the next and to the next. not like there was a table of books being sold in the back of the room but like she was a dumping ground for the few secrets i still keep and would never dare to let anyone know or hear. a freedom we all wish for, a confessional with an evaporating priest who offers no penance. i babbled and didnt think of enunciation or continuity or transitions or context. i didnt look at her as an audience or as a therapist or as anyone who even cared. she was a stuffed animal in a dark bedroom at 4am that you cry into screaming, "only you understand." she was the cat that you whisper, "you never left me." she was anonymous and secret and wouldnt tell a soul because no one would even care. there was no six degrees of anything and she didnt even know my last name or what i did to put food on my table but at this moment i held back the tears because i had ever been given such an open platform to let go without fear of offending, hypocrisy or showing the dark cracks in my soul. i let her have it. i assaulted her with words that were only realizations as soon they left my mouth. i scared myself.
"you're nervous right now."
"no, i mean its like im trying to take all of these feelings and make them into coherent sentences but everything is coming too fast."
"you're nervous."
"i am nervous."
but she listened. i shifted my weigh and said, "fuck, ive got to stop."
she grabbed my arm and said, "no, sit."
"i have to go," as i looked at my phone.
but she waited and asked the right questions. it was obvious that i was uncomfortable. and like good will hunting her eyes kept saying, "its not your fault. its not your fault. its not your fault."
i remember very little of that night. but i do remember being shaken by a stranger in ways that no one else ever has or i have ever allowed. right place, right time, wrong dude.
and maybe i did use her, but maybe she was looking to be used.
- Music:jay-z - on to the next one.
i sat here staring at a blank screen while rubbing my temples until i began to fall asleep. i couldnt come up with a good opening line and my eye-lids are fighting me. the only words that came to me were that i dont believe there is a woman i havent damaged.
tonight was no different.
tonight was no different.
hi!
me & foz are in Paris for nye
yesterday we ended up in the cafe from Amelie! we sat where the glass was where she writes the menu backwards. the glass wasnt there anymore ]: but there was a christmas tree there! & it fell on foz! the guys next to us got tree in there food! gutted!
tonight we are gonna party! have a good new year xx
me & foz are in Paris for nye
yesterday we ended up in the cafe from Amelie! we sat where the glass was where she writes the menu backwards. the glass wasnt there anymore ]: but there was a christmas tree there! & it fell on foz! the guys next to us got tree in there food! gutted!
tonight we are gonna party! have a good new year xx
- Mood:calm
she sat in the purple chair next to me and said, "so tell me what happened."
i said, "okay, ill try and make a long story short."
she said, "no, i want the long and full version."
we sat there for close to two hours. i gave her details and examples of how i felt that i was taken advantage of and i how i was well aware of what was going on. i told her how i wasnt "that guy". the kind of guy who is easily manipulated.
she said, "you know you once told me how you shouldnt have to make excuses for someones behavior."
i said, "i know."
she said, "and you also told me once how just because someone is nice to you only a few days out of the month doesnt make them a good person."
i said, "i know."
"so what happened?"
i said, "i just wanted to believe in someone that everyone else had given up on."
and that was the absolute truth. but if you havent been there, then you dont know. its not a "project" to believe in someone and yes, some of us do actually find love within the tortured throw-away artists and not all of us are out to "save someone". some of us find a spark, a light and a brilliance in another person that outshine all the dull and boring who came before them. sometimes that person is rational and sane... sometimes not.
and while we cant control what we find attractive, we can at least be aware of our surroundings. yes, i will fully admit that i was taken advantage of. because i believed that one day my feelings would be reciprocated. that one day she would look at me how i looked at her. and that one day, i would have the opportunity to see her become the resilient woman that no one believed she could ever be.
but there is a truth in the collective mass. while not exclusive, when most of the people you trust, whose opinions you trust, tell you that that just because it shines doesnt mean its gold... well, we should give their words some credence. i trust my friends collective word. my faith in someone blinded me from what everyone was screaming in my ears. but thats fine. i dont regret the time i spent believing in someone. yes, i was wrong in the end, but you know what... thats fine. i dont regret the kisses that she didnt deserve or the attention, support or affection. nope. what i do regret is how they could have been spent on someone more deserving. and what i have come to realize is that if someone is an asshole to you 27 days out of the month, its because they are just an asshole.
so many of us make excuses for the people we love. i have done it more than i would care to admit. and do i feel like a fool? well sure. but at least i know my intentions were good. and i have learned that when we make excuses for people, it is us lying to ourselves. its us wanting to believe the image and the fantasy. its us trying to hold on to the facade they were in the beginning. theres nothing wrong with being fooled... but if we hold on while fully aware of being taken advantage of, well then we simply become the fool.
if you feel like a fool, if your trusted friends are all telling you the same thing and if you feel as if you're being taken advantage of, you probably are.
yes, it will be painful when you walk away.
yes, you will cry and it will feel like the dark walls are closing in.
yes, you will think how you will never love anyone as much as you loved them.
yes, you will secretly wish to wake up from a text from them.
but we know whats right. and more importantly, we know whats right for us.
we know that walking away is the right thing.
we know that ignoring the texts is the right thing.
we know that not reading their blogs is the right thing.
we know that crying is healthy.
we know we said we would never love anyone as much as we loved the last person before them and before them and before them.
and we know we deserve someone who treats us well more days than not.
and we know we are better than this.
and we know that once we realize this, we will attract the kind of people who will appreciate our love.
i said, "okay, ill try and make a long story short."
she said, "no, i want the long and full version."
we sat there for close to two hours. i gave her details and examples of how i felt that i was taken advantage of and i how i was well aware of what was going on. i told her how i wasnt "that guy". the kind of guy who is easily manipulated.
she said, "you know you once told me how you shouldnt have to make excuses for someones behavior."
i said, "i know."
she said, "and you also told me once how just because someone is nice to you only a few days out of the month doesnt make them a good person."
i said, "i know."
"so what happened?"
i said, "i just wanted to believe in someone that everyone else had given up on."
and that was the absolute truth. but if you havent been there, then you dont know. its not a "project" to believe in someone and yes, some of us do actually find love within the tortured throw-away artists and not all of us are out to "save someone". some of us find a spark, a light and a brilliance in another person that outshine all the dull and boring who came before them. sometimes that person is rational and sane... sometimes not.
and while we cant control what we find attractive, we can at least be aware of our surroundings. yes, i will fully admit that i was taken advantage of. because i believed that one day my feelings would be reciprocated. that one day she would look at me how i looked at her. and that one day, i would have the opportunity to see her become the resilient woman that no one believed she could ever be.
but there is a truth in the collective mass. while not exclusive, when most of the people you trust, whose opinions you trust, tell you that that just because it shines doesnt mean its gold... well, we should give their words some credence. i trust my friends collective word. my faith in someone blinded me from what everyone was screaming in my ears. but thats fine. i dont regret the time i spent believing in someone. yes, i was wrong in the end, but you know what... thats fine. i dont regret the kisses that she didnt deserve or the attention, support or affection. nope. what i do regret is how they could have been spent on someone more deserving. and what i have come to realize is that if someone is an asshole to you 27 days out of the month, its because they are just an asshole.
so many of us make excuses for the people we love. i have done it more than i would care to admit. and do i feel like a fool? well sure. but at least i know my intentions were good. and i have learned that when we make excuses for people, it is us lying to ourselves. its us wanting to believe the image and the fantasy. its us trying to hold on to the facade they were in the beginning. theres nothing wrong with being fooled... but if we hold on while fully aware of being taken advantage of, well then we simply become the fool.
if you feel like a fool, if your trusted friends are all telling you the same thing and if you feel as if you're being taken advantage of, you probably are.
yes, it will be painful when you walk away.
yes, you will cry and it will feel like the dark walls are closing in.
yes, you will think how you will never love anyone as much as you loved them.
yes, you will secretly wish to wake up from a text from them.
but we know whats right. and more importantly, we know whats right for us.
we know that walking away is the right thing.
we know that ignoring the texts is the right thing.
we know that not reading their blogs is the right thing.
we know that crying is healthy.
we know we said we would never love anyone as much as we loved the last person before them and before them and before them.
and we know we deserve someone who treats us well more days than not.
and we know we are better than this.
and we know that once we realize this, we will attract the kind of people who will appreciate our love.
why is it that nature is set up in such a perfect and predictable manner?
like how tides are determined by the moon, how after millions of years there are almost equal males and females and how just when you start to genuinely move on after the end of relationship you can count on one day looking down at your incoming text box to a text message from your ex? as if nature says, "woah, wait a minute there, lil buddy. you didnt think it was going to be THAT easy, now did you?"
you may have noticed i havent been posting much lately. what seems to baffle so many people is that they cant seem to comprehend why im not just "over this" already. they see me complicate my life with more distractions and just assume im back to 100%. truthfully, im around 80% but the remaining 20% is still strong enough to keep me up at night wondering who would attend my funeral, if you know what im talking about.
if you dont, i envy you.
i need to get the fuck out of dodge and quick. i have been getting myself into far too much trouble. so much so that ive been scaring myself. my leash has been unlatched and this dog is tearing through everyones trash. although, ive been working on a book that has been moved up from 0% chance of seeing the light of day to 20%. its a cross between my 3rd book, 'notes from the deep end' and 'women' by bukowski, only not as misogynistic. the stories make the myspace girl story from 'a life deliberate' seem kindhearted and innocent. its the kind of book that would make half of you hate me and everyone outside of my immediate friends see me in a different light. ooh, ive got a good idea, chris... why dont you quit your stable job so you can tour, then quit touring so you can concentrate on being an idealistic teen, then alienate your audience by showing them your ugly side.
businessman of the year!
god, im the worst at making money. anyone want to buy 49% of the dxs pub co? i for real have 100 shares in a folder somewhere. you can take your 49 embossed certificates and wall paper your shed; or maybe keep a pile next to the toilet for when you need emergency toilet paper. hell, it beats dryer sheets.
speaking of 'notes from the deep end', i only printed one edition of the book at 1063 copies which sold out pretty quickly and hasnt been available for a while. so much so that some assbags think they can get away with selling copies for $131. like where do you come up with 131? who just calculates that price and what the crap is it based upon?
- yesterday i was rollerskating and i looked over at a friend and said, "you ever have one of those moments that are so surreal you feel as if you're not really living in them. its as if its all some strange and perfect dream?"
she said, "sure."
"this is one of those moments."
i took a minute to skate around by myself and look around the old and dingy rollerskating rink that i probably hadnt been inside since 1988. i remembered where i almost got into a fight, where i peed on the floor and where i had my first breakdancing battle in 1984. then i looked up and saw my moms and princess gianna on tiny little rollerskates, and my friends i grew up with, and kids i was friends with in high school, and my hot dougs dudes. all of this while skating to van-halen and old breakdance music. when i say that i literally couldnt have asked for a better day, i wouldnt be exaggerating one bit. it was so overwhelming and perfect. so thank you to everyone who came out and made my night magic.
like how tides are determined by the moon, how after millions of years there are almost equal males and females and how just when you start to genuinely move on after the end of relationship you can count on one day looking down at your incoming text box to a text message from your ex? as if nature says, "woah, wait a minute there, lil buddy. you didnt think it was going to be THAT easy, now did you?"
you may have noticed i havent been posting much lately. what seems to baffle so many people is that they cant seem to comprehend why im not just "over this" already. they see me complicate my life with more distractions and just assume im back to 100%. truthfully, im around 80% but the remaining 20% is still strong enough to keep me up at night wondering who would attend my funeral, if you know what im talking about.
if you dont, i envy you.
i need to get the fuck out of dodge and quick. i have been getting myself into far too much trouble. so much so that ive been scaring myself. my leash has been unlatched and this dog is tearing through everyones trash. although, ive been working on a book that has been moved up from 0% chance of seeing the light of day to 20%. its a cross between my 3rd book, 'notes from the deep end' and 'women' by bukowski, only not as misogynistic. the stories make the myspace girl story from 'a life deliberate' seem kindhearted and innocent. its the kind of book that would make half of you hate me and everyone outside of my immediate friends see me in a different light. ooh, ive got a good idea, chris... why dont you quit your stable job so you can tour, then quit touring so you can concentrate on being an idealistic teen, then alienate your audience by showing them your ugly side.
businessman of the year!
god, im the worst at making money. anyone want to buy 49% of the dxs pub co? i for real have 100 shares in a folder somewhere. you can take your 49 embossed certificates and wall paper your shed; or maybe keep a pile next to the toilet for when you need emergency toilet paper. hell, it beats dryer sheets.
speaking of 'notes from the deep end', i only printed one edition of the book at 1063 copies which sold out pretty quickly and hasnt been available for a while. so much so that some assbags think they can get away with selling copies for $131. like where do you come up with 131? who just calculates that price and what the crap is it based upon?
- yesterday i was rollerskating and i looked over at a friend and said, "you ever have one of those moments that are so surreal you feel as if you're not really living in them. its as if its all some strange and perfect dream?"
she said, "sure."
"this is one of those moments."
i took a minute to skate around by myself and look around the old and dingy rollerskating rink that i probably hadnt been inside since 1988. i remembered where i almost got into a fight, where i peed on the floor and where i had my first breakdancing battle in 1984. then i looked up and saw my moms and princess gianna on tiny little rollerskates, and my friends i grew up with, and kids i was friends with in high school, and my hot dougs dudes. all of this while skating to van-halen and old breakdance music. when i say that i literally couldnt have asked for a better day, i wouldnt be exaggerating one bit. it was so overwhelming and perfect. so thank you to everyone who came out and made my night magic.
30 STM new album “THIS IS WAR” features a different random person on the first (however many) copies and an weirdly symmetrical tiger face on the inside… I think we could have done without the pimplefaced dorks and fat girls and just did the same thing with cheeses, puppets, buttplugs, pizza, wood = make one of your own, reblog this…
comment with your favorite unsigned online writer.
someone who is compelling and can tell an amazing story and would make a good fit in the second REMNANTS style compilation book.
please provide a link to their work.
- today is the 2nd annual deadxstop publishing corporations holiday party. if you're down for the rollerskate jam, make sure to mention what you are there for otherwise you will be turned away.
- also, its doesnt get more petty than passive/aggressive twitter updates.
and i will now leave you with a picture of charlie and an empty hot dougs.
*note dougs lack of enthusiasm.
someone who is compelling and can tell an amazing story and would make a good fit in the second REMNANTS style compilation book.
please provide a link to their work.
- today is the 2nd annual deadxstop publishing corporations holiday party. if you're down for the rollerskate jam, make sure to mention what you are there for otherwise you will be turned away.
- also, its doesnt get more petty than passive/aggressive twitter updates.
and i will now leave you with a picture of charlie and an empty hot dougs.
*note dougs lack of enthusiasm.
- Music:kool and the gang - fresh.
me and greg went to this party in birmingham, it was for the models & designers at birmingham clothes show. we got wayyy too drunk!
greg lost his virginity to an alexander mcqueen scout
this lady wanted to take my virginity
bc @ bcs
ive started to learn to travel light -
vitamins
sunglasses
shoes
scrapbook
cameras
rubiks cube
headphones
sharpies
undies
fozzzzz
mags
greg lost his virginity to an alexander mcqueen scout
this lady wanted to take my virginity
bc @ bcs
ive started to learn to travel light -
vitamins
sunglasses
shoes
scrapbook
cameras
rubiks cube
headphones
sharpies
undies
fozzzzz
mags
Happy Christmas to Everyone on my F-LIST! I a so glad that you are all here with me! I hope everyone has a safe and happy Christmas day and a day filled with love!
Page Summary
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
askheychris : sinking ships. [+23] - askheychris : (no subject) [+21]
- askheychris : excerpt from deadxstop fanzine # 7. [+7]
- paulgriffiths : (no subject) [+0]
- deadxstop : 500 cigarettes. [+2]
- paulgriffiths : (no subject) [+0]
- sacrament666 : Happy New Year, my friends! [+11]
- askheychris : what is right. [+26]
- askheychris : trouble loves me. [+18]
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/syndicated.gif)
crystalescala : ericvictorino:
30 STM new album “THIS IS WAR” features a... [+0] - askheychris : suggestions? [+31]
- paulgriffiths : (no subject) [+2]
- enkanowen : Fan Art: STXI: Sulu/Kirk/Sulu; NSFW [+10]
- enkanowen : Fan Art: STXI; Sulu/Kirk/Sulu; NSFW [+10]
- glitterdragon : (no subject) [+1]